Humpty Dumpty is performed by a large, round person, shaped rather like an egg, sitting on a wall. He tells us he is celebrating the completion of a thirty-seven-and-a-half-foot wall, part of his plan to make The Other Side of the Looking Glass great again. He says that he has nothing against the honest, hard-working rabbits coming to Wonderland who can contribute significantly to our way of life, but he doesn’t welcome rabbits from shit holes who bring their shit holes with them. He says we have already wasted too much time exterminating the rabbits who were already here when we got here, where of course we have always been and always will be because God gave us this country. He says he is in no danger of falling off the wall because his personal physician has certified that he is the most perfectly balanced egg in the observable universe; and, if he should ever fall, the White King, with all of his horses and all of his men, will put him back together. He says he has a very cordial relationship with the White King because for many years it has been his great honor and privilege to wash his dirty money. He says everything is a game and the point of the game is to win and rules don’t matter. He says he won’t take any questions from that uppity Alice person and asks that the lizards take her out and punch her in the face if she gives them any trouble.
He realizes that nobody’s listening to him and says he feels dizzy and speaks of a dream in which he is falling and feeling intense heat and thinks God is making an omelet. He wonders why God can’t go to the Waffle House like a normal person. He says he is confused and doesn’t know which side of the wall he is on. He says he doesn’t know where he came from and he doesn’t know who he is. Then he says it is just a dream, that he’s just a character in a nursery rhyme. He sees a strange dark shape above him and we hear the sound of a giant bird screeching and see a great shadow across the stage. Humpty says that God in the form of a giant bird has come to give him his just reward and take him to the Waffle House. Losing his balance, he falls over backwards on the upstage side of the wall, screaming. We hear the sound of an enormous splat and the lights black out.